( quiet spy creeping and quiet spy lying go hand in hand, and after a good two minutes (do you really want to broach this like this, eggsy), there's the follow up: )
[and that's it, he's not participating in this conversation any more. Just putting his tablet to one side and quietly pressing the heels of his hands against his closed eyelids until he sees white starbursts.]
( compare yourself to him, with everyone involved — and not involved, thanks hotel — knowing who the him is. those memories had been a rawer hurt and a deeper insult than the dislocated shoulder was, and what he's pretty sure harry is getting at now. which is just...
not what he's emotionally equipped to deal with right now. )
you don't have to forgive yourself yet but stop talking like you want me tohate you s much as you hate yourself
[It's easier to do this over text. He can think about what he wants to say, he can measure his words, he doesn't have to look the boy in the face. It's safer.
( public punishment hadn't been his intention; they could sequester in one corner and turn their backs to everyone. if they don't yell it shouldn't attract unwanted attention but there would still be some sort of public accountability — so no more physical fighting.
it's not all that late, there's a person or two around. the fireplace is blessedly unoccupied and has the most comfortable chairs, which eggsy reclines in with a sigh of relief. not that sitting in a slightly moth eaten plush chair does anything to alleviate his anticipation or nerves. but it finally feels like they're getting somewhere.
Harry looks as well put-together as ever when he comes down to join Eggsy, dressed as casually as he ever gets, though he's pale and the weight he lost during the previous month is staying off. The overall effect is of hollowness.
He stops at the chair next to Eggsy's and gives it a nod.]
( that's a dumb, unnecessary question — the line in eggsy's forehead and the tight press of his lips says as much — but if Harry feels the need to face him with a mask of stiff platitudes and manners, he would play along. would sit up a little straighter, nod at the other chair. )
[Manners are something Eggsy learned, and not so very long ago, at that. Harry grew up with them. They aren't a mask, for him; rather, he hopes they aren't. Because that would mean the 'real' Harry Hart is the man who slaughtered fifty civilians and attacked his protege. Or at least it feels like it would.]
Dunno, ( comes easily to his lips, a (restrained) shrug on his shoulders. eggsy takes a deep breath like he's bracing for something big. but he just lets it out in a huff instead, scratching at his temple and letting the silence drag on for a bit.
he'd meant it, he doesn't know; there's probably protocol about this like there is pulling hot shrapnel from someones face, something merlin would know but merlin isn't here anymore apparently. which means eggsy's going to wing it. )
It's alright to be afraid. But there's nothing irreperable about your damage, Harry.
[Neither of us can possibly know that, he doesn't say. Instead:]
I suppose I've spent a while too long wallowing in self-pity.
[Which is a terrible disservice to his scars, literal and otherwise, but he can't get professional help here so the next best thing is to deny a need for it.]
( that's a relieving thing to hear, but doesn't feel as much like a switch being flipped as he wants it to. )
No, no. ( because it feels important to, now that harry is talking to him at all, not to rush things. there's very honest sincerity in his voice when he leans forward and looks like he wants to reach out and touch. but the last time they'd hugged it'd been awkward and felt unwanted, so this time he just curls his fingers into a fist and gently bouncing his hand on the arm of the chair. )
— wallow however long you need. So long as it ain't... like, forever.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Text: 30th
Merlin's gone.
Text:
Text:
Text:
why couldn't they have just taken charlie
Text:
Text:
yeah well we're all stuck here for now. thinking like that's just gonna make us homesick.
Text:
It would be gauche to admit he's almost looking forward to it.]
You're quite right.
I've left your umbrella outside your room, by the way.
[After quietly spycreeping long enough to establish that you're in there.]
Text:
( quiet spy creeping and quiet spy lying go hand in hand, and after a good two minutes (do you really want to broach this like this, eggsy), there's the follow up: )
my shoulder feels better
Text:
[--that's what, a relief? Because that lets him off the hook for hurting him in the first place? No. Fucking Chist, no.]
good to hear.
[Thriving in spite of the disappointments in his life, as per usual.]
Text:
maybe just go a little easy on me next time
Text: also lol I neglected to mention THIS WHOLE THING: SUPER PRIVATE
You know as well as I do that there will not be a next time, Eggsy.
Text: SUPER PRIVATE laughs
Text
Text
Text
[and that's it, he's not participating in this conversation any more. Just putting his tablet to one side and quietly pressing the heels of his hands against his closed eyelids until he sees white starbursts.]
Re: Text
I would have come back.
( but past that, Eggsy's done too. )
Text; 36 hours later
I'm sorry that I've contributed to that, Eggsy.
Text;
please don't
( compare yourself to him, with everyone involved — and not involved, thanks hotel — knowing who the him is. those memories had been a rawer hurt and a deeper insult than the dislocated shoulder was, and what he's pretty sure harry is getting at now. which is just...
not what he's emotionally equipped to deal with right now. )
you don't have to forgive yourself yet but stop talking like you want me tohate you s much as you hate yourself
Text;
Want you to hate me.
[As if it needs clarifying which of those two assertions he's arguing with.]
Text;
Text;
[He knows what needs to be said, but it's eked out slowly.]
I need you to understand this. Valentine took everything from me. My integrity. My self-control. My humanity.
It's becoming clear that I have not got them back. I have been damaged, perhaps irreparably and I am
afraid.
I hate and regret the position I put you in even by telling you this much.
Text;
what someone else made you do doesn't make you a bad person harry.
can we do this in person?
Text;
(It keeps Eggsy safe from him)
But he asks, and Harry owes him.]
Where?
Text;
Text;
Maybe that's the point.]
I'll be there shortly.
Text; → action
( public punishment hadn't been his intention; they could sequester in one corner and turn their backs to everyone. if they don't yell it shouldn't attract unwanted attention but there would still be some sort of public accountability — so no more physical fighting.
it's not all that late, there's a person or two around. the fireplace is blessedly unoccupied and has the most comfortable chairs, which eggsy reclines in with a sigh of relief. not that sitting in a slightly moth eaten plush chair does anything to alleviate his anticipation or nerves. but it finally feels like they're getting somewhere.
and all it took was a dislocated shoulder. )
action
Harry looks as well put-together as ever when he comes down to join Eggsy, dressed as casually as he ever gets, though he's pale and the weight he lost during the previous month is staying off. The overall effect is of hollowness.
He stops at the chair next to Eggsy's and gives it a nod.]
May I?
action
Yeah, please.
Re: action
Thank you.
[He sits, breathes in the scent of smoke.]
Where do you want to start?
action
he'd meant it, he doesn't know; there's probably protocol about this like there is pulling hot shrapnel from someones face, something merlin would know but merlin isn't here anymore apparently. which means eggsy's going to wing it. )
It's alright to be afraid. But there's nothing irreperable about your damage, Harry.
Re: action
I suppose I've spent a while too long wallowing in self-pity.
[Which is a terrible disservice to his scars, literal and otherwise, but he can't get professional help here so the next best thing is to deny a need for it.]
action
No, no. ( because it feels important to, now that harry is talking to him at all, not to rush things. there's very honest sincerity in his voice when he leans forward and looks like he wants to reach out and touch. but the last time they'd hugged it'd been awkward and felt unwanted, so this time he just curls his fingers into a fist and gently bouncing his hand on the arm of the chair. )
— wallow however long you need. So long as it ain't... like, forever.
Re: action
Eggsy. [His voice is gentle, but this isn't a debate.] What I need is to draw a line under this.
[Because he'll be dead before he's over it. Wallowing isn't going to help him heal.]